rcmpfraser: (Default)
rcmpfraser ([personal profile] rcmpfraser) wrote2010-05-19 11:15 pm

Awareness is a difficult thing at times

It's not that I'm unaware of my sexuality--even sensuality; my sexual side, my sex appeal, anything in that general category. I know desire; I know urgency, the sense that not having something--someone--I want... the feeling that I'll go mad without it.

I am also painfully aware of the need to control myself. There are things I want that aren't... healthy.

One could reasonably ask one's self how healthy one's sexuality can be when the foundational sexual experiences... well. The only sexual experiences one's had have been a matter of life and death. Everyone has said they'd die if they couldn't have someone; I have actually been in a position to know what that feels like.

No, I mean that quite literally--the two of us would have frozen to death if we hadn't combined our body heat. And since we were convinced we were going to die anyway--for some reason that brings on a desire for closeness, an urgency I'd only felt when thinking about--

I don't know why I'm shying away from this. I can talk about this here. Even my father isn't going to come leaping out of a closet here; I've looked for him, and he's not nearby.

So I might as well admit to it. I'm a sexual sadist. Or--perhaps I should say I'm a theoretical sexual sadist, and a practicing celibate. It's not something I'm proud of, or something I take any pleasure in; the idea of actually performing cruelty or violence to someone I care about is not something I can stand. I remember being relieved when my best friend put a bullet in my back to keep me from going away with the only woman I'd ever cared for, the only woman I'd ever made love to; I remember being relieved because I knew I could hurt her, I knew I could hurt her because of all the things she'd done to hurt me, and I don't want to be that man.

There are other people I've felt drawn to, other people I've felt close to. Sometimes I feel that pull in return; sometimes the knowledge that they want me is so hot it nearly burns me. I want to believe I'd never--and I haven't; I haven't ever hurt anyone, I wouldn't let myself get close enough to try.

It's harder when someone is near me all the time.

It's harder when I watch him walk stiff and cautious from pain and bruises--and when he doesn't think I'm looking, the expression on his face is satisfaction.

It's harder when I read his books and share his apartment and realize that he actually--that he might even think he'd want this. That he'd offer to let me spend myself on him and he might not even mind.

And then I remember how much pain his ex-wife caused him, and how he kept going back to it again and again and again, and I wonder if his masochism is healthy, either.

I'm less lonely when I'm with him. That's enough.

Note from the writer: In an effort to get a grip on a particular Fraser muse, I'm writing him in a particular way. Fraser's thoughts on consensual BDSM and risk-aware consensual kink are not shared by me!

Muse: Benton Fraser
Fandom: due South
Word count: ~500 and probably not worksafe
Disclaimer: Benton Fraser and all other characters mentioned here are property Alliance Atlantis; no infringement intended, no money made.

Post a comment in response:

Anonymous( )Anonymous This account has disabled anonymous posting.
OpenID( )OpenID You can comment on this post while signed in with an account from many other sites, once you have confirmed your email address. Sign in using OpenID.
Account name:
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
HTML doesn't work in the subject.


Notice: This account is set to log the IP addresses of everyone who comments.
Links will be displayed as unclickable URLs to help prevent spam.