rcmpfraser: (Default)
rcmpfraser ([personal profile] rcmpfraser) wrote2010-05-19 11:15 pm

Awareness is a difficult thing at times

It's not that I'm unaware of my sexuality--even sensuality; my sexual side, my sex appeal, anything in that general category. I know desire; I know urgency, the sense that not having something--someone--I want... the feeling that I'll go mad without it.

I am also painfully aware of the need to control myself. There are things I want that aren't... healthy.

One could reasonably ask one's self how healthy one's sexuality can be when the foundational sexual experiences... well. The only sexual experiences one's had have been a matter of life and death. Everyone has said they'd die if they couldn't have someone; I have actually been in a position to know what that feels like.

No, I mean that quite literally--the two of us would have frozen to death if we hadn't combined our body heat. And since we were convinced we were going to die anyway--for some reason that brings on a desire for closeness, an urgency I'd only felt when thinking about--

I don't know why I'm shying away from this. I can talk about this here. Even my father isn't going to come leaping out of a closet here; I've looked for him, and he's not nearby.

So I might as well admit to it. I'm a sexual sadist. Or--perhaps I should say I'm a theoretical sexual sadist, and a practicing celibate. It's not something I'm proud of, or something I take any pleasure in; the idea of actually performing cruelty or violence to someone I care about is not something I can stand. I remember being relieved when my best friend put a bullet in my back to keep me from going away with the only woman I'd ever cared for, the only woman I'd ever made love to; I remember being relieved because I knew I could hurt her, I knew I could hurt her because of all the things she'd done to hurt me, and I don't want to be that man.

There are other people I've felt drawn to, other people I've felt close to. Sometimes I feel that pull in return; sometimes the knowledge that they want me is so hot it nearly burns me. I want to believe I'd never--and I haven't; I haven't ever hurt anyone, I wouldn't let myself get close enough to try.

It's harder when someone is near me all the time.

It's harder when I watch him walk stiff and cautious from pain and bruises--and when he doesn't think I'm looking, the expression on his face is satisfaction.

It's harder when I read his books and share his apartment and realize that he actually--that he might even think he'd want this. That he'd offer to let me spend myself on him and he might not even mind.

And then I remember how much pain his ex-wife caused him, and how he kept going back to it again and again and again, and I wonder if his masochism is healthy, either.

I'm less lonely when I'm with him. That's enough.

Note from the writer: In an effort to get a grip on a particular Fraser muse, I'm writing him in a particular way. Fraser's thoughts on consensual BDSM and risk-aware consensual kink are not shared by me!

Muse: Benton Fraser
Fandom: due South
Word count: ~500 and probably not worksafe
Disclaimer: Benton Fraser and all other characters mentioned here are property Alliance Atlantis; no infringement intended, no money made.